Being 100% honest here, I haven’t looked at my blog (or even thought about it for a month). I wish I could say that I have been so busy that I just didn’t have time, but that would just be a lie, and I would like my website to be transparent. While this has sort of been a busy few weeks for me, I really just haven’t felt like myself, and in turn haven’t felt like putting in any type of work. I just needed a mental health break.
Why I needed a break
Because I want to be honest and transparent, I’ll let you know why I needed my break and why I just wasn’t ( and I am still not 100%) feeling like myself. Back in 2016 my husband and I found out we were pregnant. We found out on Father’s Day and we were beyond excited because our family was going to be complete.
Flash forward to August, we found out our baby had fetal hydrops due to Turner’s Syndrome and would not survive. After a couple of weeks, the heartbeat stopped and I had to have a D & C. We were pretty traumatized and heartbroken, to say the least. We decided to hold off for a little bit with trying so that my body could recover and so that our hearts could heal a little bit. (This whole topic will be a blog post all on its own because it’s deep).
It’s been over a year and we have been trying for some time now to get pregnant. Each month ends the same, with a negative test. This bums me out. Both of my pregnancies happened quickly. It was almost as if all I had to do was think about it and I was. This time around it isn’t so easy. Dates aren’t aligning, my cycle is completely off, and all in all, it just doesn’t seem like anything is working. So I’ve been feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been a little scared that my surgery that was considered “easy”, and “routine” for my doctor has caused me to have the issue that I am having.
My family is incomplete
Now, before anyone crucifies me and tells me to be thankful that I have one healthy child, hear me out. I am extremely grateful for H. I love her more than anything in this world, and I thank God daily for her. However, I would be lying if I told you that my family is complete (again, being transparent here). It’s not complete. For as long as I remember I have always wanted to have 2 children. This is something my husband and I talked about before we got married, he has always felt the exact same way. So yes, it does hurt when each month I get a negative pregnancy test. It also hurts when everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant (I’ve basically been ignoring my best friend since she told me she was pregnant). It hurts when H begs for a brother or sister, and I have no answer.
I have gone to the doctor and she has run tests, and hormonally everything seems to be fine. She has put in referrals for an ultrasound and hopefully, my insurance will approve them quickly. This month, however, I am just sort of letting go. If I get pregnant then hallelujah, if not, we keep on keeping on. I’m not going to worry about all the tracking and logging of information. It’s stressful and I don’t want that anymore.
So there you have it, I’ve been feeling down because of the possible diagnosis of secondary infertility. I’m still sad about last year. With that, I just needed time. I didn’t want to be apart of the blogging world, especially the mommy/lifestyle blogging world.
Since I have had a month off, I am feeling a little better. Funny how just taking a break and breathing and letting it all go can do that. With my time off, I have had the time to get some posts together, and I will be working on those very soon. I’ve had the opportunity to work with some people and I’m excited to share my opinions on things with you. Overall I am excited to be back to blogging. So I may not have been actively posting on the blog, but I have been working. We’ve started the process of sprucing up my office space (eek!!), I’ve got some new blogging equipment (pretty excited about this) and I am back! My mind is clearer and I feel like I can focus. I’ve turned 30, my favorite holiday is coming up (Thanksgiving), and my home is ready and decorated for Christmas.
**Thank you to those of you that I have reached out to me on social media and email. I track my stats and knew that my blog was viewed, but I really didn’t realize how many actually READ my posts. It warms my heart that complete strangers have reached out to me out of concern and wondering where I have been. **